Incoming Chief Executive CY Leung said this week that the quota for mainland moms permitted to give birth in Hong Kong next year will be zero—as opposed to the 30,000 or so that most experts expected. We’ll see if this grand plan of his actually works out, but in the meantime, the CE-elect has kindly offered to help our readers effectively solve their problems with a semi-regular advice column.

Dear CY-Solves-It,
I am a thirty-something woman who can’t find a man. The men I have dated in the past have all turned out to be jerks, and I’m not willing to go on a trashy TVB reality show in order to improve my prospects. Please, what solutions do you have for a single gal like me? – Desperately Seeking Someone

Dear Desperate,
Take a cue from my announcement to stop mainland women from coming to Hong Kong to give birth. As I have insisted on a zero quota of mainland moms, you must insist on a zero quota of jerks. There is no point in wasting your precious resources on people who are trying to take advantage of you. The exception to our “zero quota” rule is if said jerks/mainland moms like to go shopping for designer handbags on Canton Road.

Dear CY-Solves-It,
As a young professional, I’m trying to get a foothold on the property ladder, but with skyrocketing home prices, I’m starting to think that I’ll be renting forever. Can you help me? – Homeseeker

Dear Homeseeker,
Just leave it to CY to fix all of Hong Kong’s problems! Firstly, I’m going to round up all the property developers and business people that keep the proletariat down. Second, I’m going to denounce them all in public and send them to a labor camp at an incinerator near Cheung Chau. Third, I’m going to break down the current system of government and have everyone live in an agrarian paradise where everyone is equal and money means nothing. I can’t see how this plan could possibly go wrong!

Dear CY-Solves-It,
I think my wife is cheating on me. What should I do? Hire a private detective? Confront her? – Feeling Spurned

Dear Spurned,
Limit your spouse’s right to free information, press and assembly, and everything will work out fine.

Dear CY-Solves-It,
My boss promised me a great promotion, but after several high-profile screw-ups, I have been replaced by some upstart, who’s now walking all over my turf trying to change things. Everyone in the company likes things the way they are, and no one trusts this new guy. What can I do to reclaim my rightful position? – Subterranean Seether in Kowloon Tong

What the—get outta here, Henry!