With the weather taking a turn for the warm, it’s a great time to entertain at home. Follow our tips to make your next gathering a success.

• If you live in a 500-square-foot apartment, only invite 500 people since most people are about 1 foot by 1 foot, area-wise.

• Remember that soup spoons are set to the right, while one must always pass the blunt to the left.

• Preparing a delicious home-cooked meal is an essential way to show your guests how much you value their friendship. Really hammer this point home with your helper.

• Everybody loves chips, but have you heard of “dip”?
   
• When trying to make a good impression at an upscale dinner party, be sure to bring your finest shmuck.

• In the invitation, make sure to use Comic Sans, and spell it “par-tay” so that you’ll only get ironic RSVPs.   
   
• Regale your guests with endless boring anecdotes about your insignificant, meaningless life. 
   
• A fun thing to do is to invite all of the women you’re currently sleeping with, arrange them around the table and seat yourself at the head. Then sit back and cackle madly.
   
• When it comes to entertainment, you want to make sure not to offend anyone’s tastes, so it’s best to put neutral white noise on the stereo.
   
• Create a Facebook group for your party so that your friends can follow the RSVPs and pity you without having to go through the trouble of attending.
   
• When choosing the drinks selection for the evening, go for the jugs with three-four X’s on them. 
   
• It’s not really a party unless you invite those People’s Party guys from Legco.
   
• It is considered good etiquette to inform your wife beforehand if she will be “swapped” at the close of festivities. 
   
• Make sure that you strike an even gender balance so that everyone has the chance to be turned down and go home alone, bitter and disappointed.