Thanks for your email.

We are currently on a holiday until August 31, 2010.

Your email is very important to us. If you are emailing in regards to our recent shady listing on the Heng Seng Index, please contact our marketing and PR department via our completely above-the-board Chengdu “branch,” Amalgamated Iron Smelters and Coal Miners Ltd.

Please note that in case of urgent matters, our team of directors would ordinarily be here to make rapid, important decisions, however, we're currently on an island in the Andaman Sea along with the rest of Hong Kong's managers, and reaction times will be slowed by several mai tais.

If you're urgently looking for our Chief Financial Controller, I can pass your message on to him in the nearby cabana, but please note the sun may make the screen difficult to read.

Nevertheless, your message is important to us, and our company is structured in such a way to handle important matters even during extended holiday breaks. So allow me to direct your query as per below:

If you're emailing regarding production quotas, allow me to direct your query to our brigade of interns.

If you're emailing regarding sales figures, allow me to direct your query to our brigade of interns.

If you're emailing regarding financial statements, again, our interns are available at your convenience.

If you're emailing about further information regarding the indictment, allow me to direct you to our higher quality interns, which are all children of board members and allegedly Ivy League educated.

Have a prosperous summer.

Sincerely,

The Management