Guys, I have an idea for a movie, so let me know what you think. It’s about the magic of one night.

Our hero is Johnny, a visitor from Taiwan, who has come to Hong Kong for the first time. Johnny is young, good-looking and utterly clueless about where to go. The movie chronicles his night out.

Johnny starts at a 7-Eleven where he buys those pop-top shots followed by a Strobe or similar vodka energy drink that makes you go insane. Sufficiently buzzed, he wanders to a bar where he runs into a bunch of Australians watching an Aussie rules football game. They spend the next 30 minutes explaining how a game that literally nobody understands works while Johnny nurses a glass of white wine given to him by our shy-but-actually-much-prettier-than-she-initially-appears heroine Cassy. Cassy is a Hong Kong girl with a twinkle in her eye that you can clearly see because she’s wearing those glasses that are just the frames with no lenses and make you look like an idiot.

Johnny politely excuses himself and wanders into the street, but then gets into an awful fight outside Feather Boa with some French guy who pours a daiquiri on him and says “Zorry” in the way only the French can. Having grown up on a steady diet of Asian action films, Johnny is prepared for this moment and he flies at the guy with a Spinning Tiger Kick! Unfortunately, playing World of Warcraft for days on end has impaired his mobility and he slips and falls down as the Frenchman kicks him. Lying on the street, beaten, Johnny asks to be taken to a doctor and he wakes up in Solas as the DJ plays a Spin Doctors remix track and some football fans pour beer on him.

Resolving to man up, Johnny heads to Wan Chai and visits the old Lockhart Road expat bars, only to find the average age is 65 and that at least two of the patrons died in 1987. He then eats a lukewarm quesadilla at a nearby restaurant and stops by a sexy time bar, where he is promised a beer for $30 and that’s it. Two minutes and one beer later, the $50,000 bill comes. Johnny flees, only to be chased by a bunch of angry girls in six-inch heels who corner him outside of one of seven Thai massage places and threaten him by sticking a late-night kebab in his face and trying to make him eat it. Thankfully, Cassy comes to the rescue in a taxi. “Go!” Johnny cries to the taxi driver who stares vacantly at him, asking “bin douh?” The kebab is thrown at the car and the fluorescent green sauce sputters out, melting the passenger’s side window. The taxi driver looks back angrily then talks on his cellphone to his buddy while playing the radio very loudly. “I know an alternate route,” Cassy says, and the two sneak out to the tram, arriving in Central from Wan Chai after approximately four hours.

Johnny thanks Cassy for rescuing him and the two share a moment outside the D’Aguilar 7-Eleven as teenagers fondle each other on the street. Johnny decides Cassy is the prettiest girl in the world and the one for him. With a bravado normally relegated to fighting over the check with relatives at dinner, Johnny takes her hand, gets down on one knee and says the words every Hong Kong girl has dreamed about since she was little: “Will you go shopping with me?” She kisses him, then they get married and have three beautiful children that they ignore and their helper raises.

Yalun Tu is a columnist for HK Magazine. You can reach him at yalun.tu@gmail.com or @yaluntu on Twitter.