January
The world lurches warily into the “Year of the Dragon,” which, according to Chinese mythology, portends a year of fire, brimstone, murderous reptiles and market volatility. The Hang Seng Index slumps.

February
North Korea accidentally detonates itself. The global market dips.

March
China announces new falsified manufacturing data. The market recovers.

April
Work on the Macau-Hong Kong-Zhuhai bridge suddenly stops as everyone realizes they’re wasting a huge amount of money, time and effort on some stupid bridge no one cares about that connects Hong Kong to Macau and Zhuhai. The market declines.

May
Henry Tang is declared the elected Chief Executive of Hong Kong by the totalitarian cabal of rulers of the People’s Republic of China. Market drops further.

June
The Hang Seng Index rises on sunny news of a gorgeous summer day outside.

July
A quarter of a million people take to the streets of Hong Kong demanding Henry Tang’s resignation. He says, “No.” The people go back inside. The market is neutral.

August
Absolutely nothing happens in Hong Kong as everyone in town goes on an extended vacation.

September
The Hang Seng Index returns from vacation. Tanned and relaxed, it easily hits 22,000.

October
New Chief Executive Henry Tang reveals his true form as a dragon. But not one of those western dragons that terrorizes the countryside, but one of those friendly Asian dragons that gives helpful tips. The market is confused.

November
Barack Obama is re-elected as America's president. He immediately restores the American economy, and China booms as exports of dumb crap rocket to new highs. The Hang Seng Index bursts through 25,000. Until...

December
As prophesized in the Roland Emmerich movie, the world ends and everyone dies. The Hang Seng Index plummets to a record low. It’s a great time for your dead body to corpse-buy into the market.