Aug 25, 2011|
The Harbor Swim competition, in which plucky Hongkongers brave cargo ships and E-coli to swim across the harbor, will be revived in October after a 30-year hiatus. But with all the protests recently, we wonder whether some swimmers might take the opportunity to call attention to a political cause. To prevent the event from being politicized, we’ve fabricated some rules and regulations to help keep the event as uneventful as possible. Read on to find out what they are.
Contestants wearing “Vindicate June 4” Speedoes will be asked to go nude.
China’s Vice Premier Li Kequiang has expressed an interest in participating in the event. To ensure his safety, he will be surrounded throughout the race by 285 members of the Hong Kong Marine Police synchronized swimming team.
Because they are not Hong Kong permanent residents, foreign domestic workers will be barred from taking part. But in the interest of civil liberties, they are more than welcome to swim behind the contestants and pick up all their trash.
Wealthy expatriate bankers, however, will be periodically passed refreshing Fiji Water from a support sampan and will also be awarded with an ID card if they cross the harbor in less than 85 minutes.
Anyone trying to protest Hong Kong’s poor water quality will have their route directed through an unlicensed raw sewage pump.
People opposed to the shark fin trade will be made to swim with a pack of man-eating tiger sharks, seeing as how they love them so much.
All members of the Post-80s generation will be required to wear water wings for their personal safety. Plus, it’s hard to make anyone take you seriously when you’re wearing stupid lame-o water wings.
There's a special top-secret competition for entrants from the League of Social Democrats, who will be promised that if they swim to Canada—and stay there—Hong Kong will be granted universal suffrage.