Creepy guys! It’s not working for you, huh? After a long day of “hunting” (this is how you refer to trying to meet girls) you’ve come home alone, yet again, and you’re wondering why she’s just not that into you and the way that you stared at her breasts for 20 seconds.

I know how you feel. I don’t smile so everyone thinks I’m creepy. Plus I’m like Frankenstein-level tall in Hong Kong. Also I write a column that may or may not be misogynistic. It’s hard being just another misunderstood creep. So here are some tips to help you out.

Know Thyself. So you were in Hyde and watched some dude grab a girl and say “You’re mine tonight,” and she giggled and they left. You should do that too, right? WRONG. That works for him because he’s good looking, confident, and in a club where people expect that. You are not. So dial it back son: unless you know this works for you (and you already know if it does), just walk up to the girl, smile, and say “Hi, I’m [name].” Keep it simple. No pickup lines or negs from “The Game” just yet, you tactician.

Word Choice. Remember, pet names for girls are only OK if you’re dating. Calling a stranger honey, baby, or sex monkey is a no-no. And when talking about a girl to her friends, use safe (read: cliché) adjectives: beautiful, nice, fun, cool. Avoid words that refer to physicality or objectification: girls do not like if you call them moist, delectable, bouncy, soft, DTF, has DSLs, etc. [Editor’s note: if you don’t understand these acronyms, look them up on urbandictionary.com]

Age is Not Just a Number. The rule is your age divided by two plus seven = how old you can date. Since you’re in Hong Kong you can go a bit younger because, I don’t know, that’s what it’s like here so stop judging OK? But only a bit. The only exception is if a girl is over 27. She knows what’s up so you can try to date her no matter what.

Hey I’m Out Tonight! Text messaging rules: if you just met, wait a day. Or wait two. Do not text the same day, freak. If you’re out and text her and she doesn’t respond, you are allowed either a) one follow-up text an hour+ later; or b) one phone call. But not both. And—this is really important—if you text and then later call and she doesn’t pick up, do NOT call her again from an unknown number. If she picks up it’s just really awkward for everyone.

Timing is Everything. Giving a girl a flower on a first date = OK. A whole bouquet = a little over the top. Six dozen roses = she’s wondering if you masturbate to her Facebook pics. Restrain thyself in gifts, compliments, and overtures until you get closer. This is chapter one of your love affair. It should start off lightly.

Rules Were Meant to be Broken. The rub: if a girl likes you, it doesn’t really matter what you do. Fill her room with flowers and you’re romantic. Text her at 3am and she’ll text you back (and you get sex, yay!). But you need to listen and see if she actually likes you. Don’t assume she does. BUT, don’t assume she doesn’t. Also—be more confident than drunk-confident.

Finally… No matter what, don’t lose heart. Most girls are nice if you treat them nicely and think of them as human beings, not conquests. And if they’re mean then they’re bitches and you’re better without them. Sorry for that girl power! sentence. I just believe in happy endings. Take that as you will.

Yalun Tu is a columnist for HK Magazine. You can reach him at yalun.tu@gmail.com or @yaluntu on Twitter.