Celebrity makeup artist Alvin Goh always pointed out the flawlessness of my skin under the glare of Tsui Wah’s fluorescent majesty at 3am. “I hate you, bitch.” Alvin would compliment. My Korean and Japanese friends would regularly ask me if I have any makeup on (it’s not taboo for their men to put on makeup). I might put on some concealer for the occasional event that’s held at a brightly lit venue, as I get the Asian flush after two glasses of champagne, but I don’t even own any makeup.

Sitting on the sexy swings outside Club Fly, the bouncy PR Cheryl asked me if I had been botoxed. I was stunned, but flattered, and replied: “Um, no…” “NoooOOo. Surely you must have had some work done!!!” She ensured me.  

I can’t ignore my timeless skin and the effect it has on people anymore. So here’s a column that panders to those who pander to vanity. To be honest, whoever says they don’t want to look younger is lying through their face, unless they’re a nun in a convent.

Which reminds me—anecdote time: I spent a day in a Nagoya nunnery, and there was this nun whose skin was absolutely radiant. That was an eye-opener. Because I’m sure she didn’t have a stash of Shiseido or other expensive skincare products underneath her futon. It was like her inner bodhisattva translated into flawless skin outside.

So everyone’s been asking. And here’s my deep dark secret: face yoga.

The divine discipline of yoga gently stretches all the muscles in your body and twists your innards, giving your muscles and organs a full workout. Face yoga works your facial muscles, the muscles that tend to get ignored. And they’re the muscles that hold up your face that’s on display 24/7 for everyone to see.

Just like any muscle in another part of your body, you need to work them out—otherwise, they get flabby. Especially if you lead the Nightlife, where you drink all night and hardly get enough sleep. Gravity will take over—you will get wrinkles, and you WILL get jowls. Jowls look cute on pugs and bulldogs, not human beings.

I do it every other day. I’ve transmitted the knowledge to members of my entourage, but unfortunately, they are all too lazy to do it. That’s why I look youthful and they’re having their 30th birthday. There’s the classic yoga lion face, temple dancer eyes, the sphinx smile, the fish face, the baby bird kissing the ceiling, and what I call the “Joker face.” Complement it with the Tanaka face massage (YouTube it) and you’re good to go.

My other secret is water. I drink more than eight cups of plain old H20 every day. Bitches complain: “But then I have to go pee.” Um, yes, that’s a good thing—you’re flushing out all your toxins. I always recommend random people when we’re out partying to drink more water. But most rarely heed my counsel because they want to be badass. No, drinking water in between shots won’t make you less drunk if you’re already drunk as fuck, you fools. The water just hydrates your organs, including the biggest one called your skin, which is visible to everyone.

So there you go: Face yoga and water. I did NOT go to Seoul for a little nip/tuck.

Follow @JohannesPong on Twitter & join his Facebook fan (or hate) page.