Sep 08, 2011|
This week, I want to discuss a subject near and dear to my heart this week: detox. I did one a few months ago and thought it time for another. Why? Because a) my average blood alcohol content got back up to the double-digits and b) I was getting chubs again, which consisted entirely of me wearing loose fitting dark-colored t-shirts and lamenting that I couldn’t make fun of fatties. Obviously, this was not an option. I called up Anita at iDetox (integrative-living.com) and asked what to do? Eat the corpses of vegetables, she said, mostly in powder form. Well, OK.
The biggest difference between this and the first one was that I could eat solid foods. This is like the difference between a kamikaze shot and 151: it’s huge. For two meals a day I would have a smoothie ranging from disgusting (if I made it) to delicious (if my helper made it) and then some veggies for the middle meal. They were also delicious or disgusting depending on the preparer. Are you sensing a theme here? Find a good cook.
Two more potentially worrisome detox things: a liver flush and a colonic from hydrohealth. The first involved drinking a lemon juice/olive oil cocktail and letting “stones” pass from your body; the other was—quite simply—a tube in your butt. The tube shoots water into you and loosens stuff that is stuck there. Help.
Feeling like a drug dealer, I took home my various packets of powder and set to making my first smoothie. It was actually pretty good, mostly because my helper was there and taught me hard-to-learn life skills like “Using ice will chill your smoothie and make it taste better.” I soaked in this wisdom and sipped my smoothie pensively, like Obama evaluating economic sanctions at a juice bar.
As the week went one the detox weirdly got easier. I know that makes up for a crappy column (Sorry mom!) but if you can eat solid food and you want to lose weight, it’s actually not that hard. People whine endlessly about everything in Hong Kong but if you decide to commit to losing weight and being healthy for a week, just do it. Turn off your phone at 7pm, read a book, and drink your fucking smoothie. And yes, you can even do a colonic.
Here’s how it works: you go into center, Hydrohealth or otherwise, and are escorted to a room. There’s a contraption that looks like an upraised bathtub with a lubed up tube sticking out. You feel awkward until the very pretty technician leaves the room, then you change into a hospital gown. Then, you lift yourself up and sit down on the tube. I will not explain this again. Then, the tube fills you up with water and you push it all out and other stuff sometimes comes out. Are you reading this column while drinking your coffee? Good.
At the end of it I felt and was much lighter, my head was clearer, I had gotten rid of a lot of stuff, and I felt really, really, really weird. They give you some tea to make you feel better (it does) and then you walk home and lie down. And you think about it to yourself and laugh. Then you feel weird again. And that’s it.
I weighed myself at the end of the week and I had I lost 4 kilos so check plus plus. I think half of it was water but damn, that’s pretty good. Advice: if you want to try a start-out detox, idetox is pretty good. If you’re hardcore, you can try SOL Wellness or a DIY master cleanse—google it. I’ll leave the colonic decision to you.