Oct 13, 2011|
Today I’d like to tell you about my greatest party that never was: The Facebook 1,000.
A couple of months ago while procrastinating at work, I noticed I had a lot of Facebook friends. 992 to be exact. And do you know what having 992 Facebook friends means? It means you almost have 1,000 Facebook friends. And do you know what having 1,000 Facebook friends means? Absolutely, positively, nothing. But it kinda sounds like something. And I was going to have a crazy party based on that something.
The plan was simple. With the help of friends and corporate sponsors, I would host a party to commemorate my 1,000th Facebook friend. The “friend” would probably be a rando—your close friends have already added you or they’re one of those people who aren’t on Facebook and will give you a 15-minute boring speech as to why if you mistakenly ask them. My guess is that it would be a friend of a friend with whom I had a deep conversation though I was secretly just thinking about vodka. So basically, a stranger.
Upon receiving the friend request I would immediately accept and then invite him (sadly, I always get added by guys) to a casual drink with some friends. Then, I would secretly call everyone and the party would be good to go.
So this guy would show up expecting to have a beer and instead be subject to a HUGE SUPRISE PARTY! There would be 100 people, all in black tie, standing below a large banner that read “Congratulations Yalun’s 1,000th Facebook Friend!” Everyone would erupt in cheers when he entered for a really awkwardly long time and then we’d make him come up on stage (yes there’d be a stage too) and give him a crown and a sash. The crown would be a modified Burger King Kids Club crown and the sash would say “1,000!” I would also be wearing a crown and a sash that said “Yalun.” And we would work on getting a huge throne made for him to sit on.
OK, so now he’s sitting on this throne. From here we get our band to play and start serving champagne. Then people would come up to him and start congratulating him. They would have pins with numbers indicating which of my Facebook friends they were. And then we’d give speeches like “I just wanted to give a huge congratulations to [stranger] on being Yalun’s 1,000th Facebook friend! I was number 339 and I never thought we would…[begins tearing up]…make it. I’m so proud of you and proud of Yalun!”
Then the speaker would hug the stranger, who would probably be confused/horrified, and I would try to hug them too, and we’d get a photographer to take a picture and label it Memories.
Afterwards I would present the guy, as my 1,000th Facebook friend, with an officially and comically large trophy of two people shaking hands. Depending on how crazy (or drunk) I was feeling, I would probably try to make him swear a Facebook oath with me in front of everyone. We would also have a lot of religious texts in case he wanted to read a passage as well as a lot of models in case—actually I have no idea why, it just sounded cool.
There were a lot of other things going on but that was the basic plan. But, like most awesome ideas from procrastinators, it didn’t happen. I couldn’t my stuff together and people kept adding me and I started to feel really insecure about ignoring them. Plus some people kept saying it was really mean to the guy. Personally, I think the joke is more on me for being enough of a douche to hold a 1,000th Facebook friend party but hey, what can you do.
I’d encourage you to have your own Facebook 1,000th parties (but for real). Let me know. I’ll totally come.
Yalun Tu is a columnist for HK Magazine.
You can reach him at email@example.com or @yaluntu on Twitter.