It’s time for the annual Yalun Central Area Nightlife Awards, which—like many Hong Kong film festivals—is not based on merit but rather how much the organizer likes you.

Here are my top pics:

Best Early Cocktails Spot: Sevva. Wait, that’s just the most expensive.

Best Early Cocktails Spot: Le Boudoir. I like the cocktails, the French bartender, and the tequila shots with orange slices. It gets packed with cougars later so best to go early unless you own a tranquilizer gun.

Worst Cocktail: Flaming Lamborghini/Ferrari at Azure. It costs more than your rapidly declining stock portfolio, it’s cold and hard to light on fire, and it tastes like a hangover. Also, when I ordered it, it took about 45 minutes to arrive. This is not the best way to impress a girl.

Best Cocktail: Any of the Unnecessary Cocktails at Hush. They’re both molecular and camp—drinks are frozen, foamed, smoked, or jellied. Their bacon-infused Bloody Mary is awesome.

Best Drink: Any huge beer from Club 7-Eleven as you’re walking to a bar.

Best Bar Food: Lily and Bloom’s eats. I always pull the “let’s share an appetizer” move there then eat the whole thing.

Best Bar to See Lots of English People: The Globe. It’s literally a huge room full of English people talking about cricket and drinking cider. Every time I go there I feel like I’m in a bad Guy Ritchie film.

Best Club to See Zero People: Whatever opens in the spot M1NT and Republik were in. I think that place is haunted.

Best Place to Meet a Girl: Not Wan Chai.

Best Place to Meet a Girl under 18 or over 35: Wan Chai

Second-Best Place to Meet a Girl under 18 or over 35: The club that closed down across from the 7-Eleven on D’Aguilar Street. I once walked by and saw a huge crowd of girls standing outside ranging in age from probably 14-16 with one girl whispering to the others “just say you’re 18. They NEVER check.”

Best Underground Club: XXX. It’s a techno club in Sheung Wan. To be honest, I don’t know if anything in that last sentence is true. I don’t go to underground clubs; I sit at tables and drink magnums of Grey Goose from the bottle like a huge d-bag. Hong Kong!

Best Place to Get Roofied: Anywhere. Seriously, girls, watch out!

Best Club To Hook Up If Your Only Goal In Life Is To Hook Up: I asked a person who shall remain nameless who’s only goal in life is to hook up where to go: “It’s all about mood. If you want to hook up for sure, go to Prive/Hyde. If you want to hook up with a model, go to Fly but go early because you’ll have to compete with everyone if you go late. If you want to hook up and it’s after 3am, go to Volar. If you want to hook up and it’s after 7am, go to Buddha Lounge but it gets pretty weird. If you like mystery and want a good but not guaranteed chance of hooking up, go to Play. If you want to hook up with a dude and you’re a dude, go to Propaganda.”

Best Place to Eat Hungover: Cul-De-Sac. CDS narrowly edges out Tsui Wah because Tsui Wah is too bright, leading to the risk the “beautiful” guy/girl you met is actually terrifying. You might argue that it would be good to see if the person you met is actually attractive or just looked good in low light. Actually, no, no it’s not good at all.

*When I asked my friend what the best cocktail was, he said, “my favorite evening drink is a nice glass of Bordeaux” as I repeatedly tried to punch him in the face.