As a frequent traveler and more frequent bragger that I am a frequent traveler, I have to pay my respects this week to the Hong Kong Airport. Rejoice! Hong Kong residents on the glory that be the Hong Kong International Airport—it’s our shining city on a hill, our golden calf, the hopes of a democratic dream realized in this fake democracy. (Speaking of which, boy does HK Mag hate this Henry Tang guy. What’s up with that?)

If you’re one of the uninitiated, let me bring you from the Narthex to the Sanctum by explaining the Hong Kong Airport process:

1. Pack your bags (i.e. ask your maid to pack your bags then get angry at her later for forgetting your favorite hat that makes you look like a douchebag).
2. Flag a taxi and watch in wonder as the taxi driver gets really excited about driving to the airport then swears at you in Canto when he finds out he’s just going to IFC.
3. Eat Dinner at McDonald’s. Hate yourself for being so freaking fat as you stuff McNuggets into every orifice.
4. Check in at the Airport Express. Sorry I don’t have a joke here, it’s just really good.
5. Tearfully hug your significant other/affair you say you’ll leave your spouse for but don’t actually plan on doing so and secretly hope that his/her visa will expire and he or she will be deported.
6. Hop on the Airport Express and marvel at how nobody talks and everybody plays with their smartphones.
7. Go through security watching the tai-tai next to you challenge the legal limits of carryable liquids and face creams and wonder why tai-tais are insane.
8. Pass through immigration using nothing but a card and your finger.
9. Wait for your flight while watching everyone clamor to queue when your seats are already assigned.

And the above nine steps took only one hour to do. One hour! That’s like watching an episode of “The Walking Dead,” new on Fox Movies Premium!* In the US that would take three hours, as in “The Transportation Authority recommends that you show up for every flight three hours in advance” and you would have to take off your belt, jacket, shoes, and shake it for the TSA officer and not even get a good tip. In London that would take even longer except everyone would sigh at you in a passive-aggressive English way and call you “sir” the same way the boss says “good idea” to the idiot intern who suggested snuggies for puppies (“snugs for pups” © 2012: Yalun Tu).

Not so here. The HK International Airport is really a vision of the future. No fuss, no hassle; you’re just on your plane. It’s clean and the check-in people are polite. Yes, it doesn’t have any cool spaces or art pieces, but they do sometimes have performance art pieces, like when that woman who missed her flight started screaming and rolling around on the ground. The only thing left for the airport is to open an upscale restaurant, have it win three Michelin stars, and then CNNGo will write ~10,000 stories about wealthy Hong Kong couples buying tickets they won’t use to Sanya just to dine there. Story title: “Hongkongers Go International for Local Cuisine!” followed by a bunch of comments like “I went dere. It suked.”

So if you’re a visitor, welcome to Hong Kong. You’ve already seen the best we have to offer but at least you’ll leave with the best. Wow, it’s The Peak, double-wow symphony of lights, triple-wow an outdoor Buddha built in 1993. No. The real wow is when you’re on your flight thinking, “Wow, I was unfussed and unmolested getting here.”

*This is all part of my plan to plug random things until people pay me for it. Next up: snuggies for dogs. Google it.