MASSIVE SPOILER ALERT: THIS COLUMN IS ALL ABOUT SKYFALL AND EVERYTHING IN THE MOVIE THAT GOES DOWN, SO DON’T READ IF YOU WANT THE MOVIE TO BE A SURPRISE.

It’s been long enough that everyone who’s going to has seen “Skyfall”—the newest installment of the gritty, Bourne-esque, Daniel Craig-starring Bond. And oh, what a film “Skyfall” is: Bond spans the globe in Scotland, Shanghai, a totally fake Macau, and an underground WWII London bunker. People love this film and make sure to proclaim it all over the blogosphere (hate that word) and social media tweets, tags and afternoon musings. I watched “Skyfall” and thought it was pretty cool, but deep down—I knew—the movie kinda sorta sucks. Why? BECAUSE IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. Let me explain.

There’s Crazy and Then There’s Stupid

Hi there, I’m crazy Javier Bardem. I live on a made-up island off Macau reachable only by luxury yacht, with no food, but plenty of henchmen and a bunch of computers through which I can control the world by manipulating global markets and causing gas leaks in secure government buildings. My plan to discredit M and kill her literally is this:

1. Steal a list of undercover agents to release on YouTube (so far so good) showing a huge intelligence leak.
2. Set up a plan for James Bond to find me. This will involve my henchmen shooting at Bond 1,000 times but them being such experts, they’ll only hit him once in the shoulder.
3. I must make sure that my henchman uses a special bullet that can conveniently be traced to some assassin in Shanghai. I could just send an email but that seems too easy.
4. Hope that said assassin is killed, leaving behind a poker chip that is only redeemable in Fake Macau.
5. Get some Asian girl to ask Bond some stupid question about fear, then fight some other henchman and show up on my island.
6. Get captured but then escape.
7. Dress up like a policeman and walk into a government office.
8. Shoot M.

Wait a second, why don’t I skip all the other steps and just do 8? After all, it is a lucky number (I learned that in Fake Macau).

James Bond Sucks at Saving People

So if you’re Bond, here’s your mission: find the bad guy, kill him, save the girl (in this case Judi Dench). Bond fails at basically all of these things.

First, he gets shot by Moneypenny, who later shows up in Fake Macau and shaves him for no reason I can understand. Second, he watches an assassin kill some kind old art collector when he could have easily just shot the assassin in the leg and gotten the info he needed. Third, he lets Bardem get away a bunch of times. Fourth, he kills Bardem with a knife to prevent him from killing M. Good job!

Oh wait—bad job because M dies 15 seconds later from a gunshot wound. Also, Javier Bardem had already suggested killing himself and M before James Bond showed up. So if Bond had just chilled and drank a corporate-sponsored Heineken, everything would have happened exactly the same: Bardem and M would be dead.

Wait, You Had the Resources of All of Britain and You Did What?

After Bond saves M and takes her to Skyfall, he, M, and some random Scottish guy defend the house with dynamite and an old shotgun. Here’s my question: why didn’t they ask for a SWAT team? (They could have done it off the grid). Why didn’t Bond go to Skyfall and then send M like five miles away to some barn or something? Why couldn’t they get actual modern guns? Why did that old Scottish guy need to use the flashlight when they were HIDING from Bardem? None of this makes any sense.

Why Does the New Q Suck So Much?

He’s like, “Oh hey, I’m the new Q. I’m the smartest guy in the world at computers—oh wait, Javier Bardem just beat me at computers. *Sad face.* You don’t get any gadgets, suck it Bond. Financial crisis, blah blah blah.”

Yalun Tu is a columnist for HK Magazine. You can reach him at yalun.tu@gmail.com or @yaluntu on Twitter.